I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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