roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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