My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
