WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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