i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
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