I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
We left the knife in your bed.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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