Your tits are I can't wait for
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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