I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize
