I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
