She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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