I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Watching her eat just hurts me
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
