make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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