Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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