tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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