I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Randomize
