I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
