Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
