I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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