I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
i would one night stand the shit outta him
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
