just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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