that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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