genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I think my moral compass just broke
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
