I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
