There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
