I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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