Betty ford says i'm here all night
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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