If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
