Im at strip club and am horny
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
