brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
