You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
