I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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