I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I think I won the penis lottery.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
