I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
