I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
