just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
