Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
