PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
