idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
