I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Randomize
