I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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