He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I love having hate sex.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
