The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
