MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
