I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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