Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
