After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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