Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
