Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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