I just threw up on my dentist
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
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