Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
